I went just this month with my husband. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. Yeah, I was hoping the OPs business trip wasnt over this weekend , This post was one of my first thoughts when I heard about the shooting . Its partially a trust issue, and partly the horrible stories some people tell themselves. <3. AND that a little drinking and dancing and playing roulette (pick your game), or even a LOT of drinking and dancing and playing roulette, which is what many people do is Las Vegas, is not a particularly scandalous thing to many people. Has the OPs spouse ever even BEEN to Vegas? I work for a global health organization. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. Do not sacrifice your career for this. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. Instead, let yourself feel what youre feeling without judgment orshame. I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. Yup, agreed. Abuse isnt as uncommon as you think it is. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. As sinful as it gets, I tell ya! What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. Please whitelist our site to get all the best deals and offers from our partners. Until I heard the week after that everyone was kept so busy that they really didnt have time or energy to do any of the fun stuff. That is the problem. They all suggest you turn off your phone because thats what their friends do when they are speed-texting their anxiety. Yep, this was one of my thoughts this might be a seriously overactive anxiety problem at work. It got dark on my (2-hour!) I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . Your husband is being insecure (at best!). Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. This seems to be a common pattern, though of course not a certainty. On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. My answer to the two questions asked in the original post are: No, you wouldn't be a terrible husband to go on a trip with a group without her. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. The update is saying the opposite of what you think it does. The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). Agreed. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. I dont even know what city he is in sometimes just because he will tell me about five trips at once and I cannot remember which is what week. I wonder if OPs husband has watched too much CSI? I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. ), Yeah man, Id be super bummed if my wife went to Vegas and didnt take me with her, I freakin love Vegas!. Maybe Im wrong. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. I wonder if one solution wouldnt just be to bring her husband WITH her (on her own expense and probably paying for their own room)? It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. Which update is that? I just want to come back to the point about where the first fear of his that you list off, OP, is that youre going to cheat on him. vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! Take the same approach; its a problem affecting you both that you both want to fix. You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. i went away for a few days for work, but had some cool stories to come home with. If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. Thank you for acknowledging that this is not normal and is something you can work on. Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. Dont answer the phone? Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. pathfinder: wrath of the righteous ending slides. He was already in counselling and they focused on this issue for a while. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. Por qu se separ Tania Rincn de su esposo? I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. I dont see it as misogynist. Maybe hes wrapping that insecurity in fears of what might happen so he doesnt have to address the real issue. None which should be affecting your ability to do your job. Some people really arent used to being apart from their partners. You shouldnt be in a position to chose your career (which has very normal career expectations) and your marriage (which seems to have some very not normal expectations). I agree. Its like the person who tried to quit, and their boss polls the other managers and then tells employee that the other managers all agree, employee does not have a good enough reason to quit. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. arent at all limited to Vegas. I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. I have no idea. He framed it as concern for my safety but it was really about control. I love my wife and we bought land and a home. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. Yep, and because the hotels make most of their money through conference bookings and casino profits instead of room rentals, you can get really nice hotels for stupidly cheap. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. With NUNS. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). If its my wife is going to a business conference.. ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. Whether anxiety is a contributing factor or not, thats all it is. Roppongi it is! Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . Tell your husband to get a grip, and then yes, get some counseling to get over this anxiety. I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. Long-term meds may not be right, and often take time to work out, but theres several near-instant calming agents available and they could be the best place to start if the Vegas trip is coming up soon. To me, that means childish. Its natural to want to care for your partner. The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. What level of dealing with him can you actually do during these three days AND be able to focus on your work stuff? Also conferences in Vegas are soul-crushingly awful and boring. Do you want to go? Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. Even if you dont get fired or demoted, youre showing that you arent reliable to do normal business things, and youre missing out on opportunities to grow your career and to network etc. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. While we were there, her then-husband called and texted her literally every ten minutes. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. 402 views, 5 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Famosos: #TaniaRincn y su esposo iniciaron su amor con el pie izquierdo: su relacin no era perfecta. Why? Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. walk. There are a lot of people on vacation. either. Oh thats my mothers thing, too. He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. Good luck to you in standing firm. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. Perhaps Allison can clarify and correct if needed? They might feel left out or unimportant. I was just sure my wife and son were either missing or dead. Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. Holy smokes. Both individuals will benefit from communication tools to use in challenging this kind of worry-filled thinking. But truly, its a secondary concern here. Theres a limit to how much they can make if they limit themselves to those who want risqu and sleavy. While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. Life is short. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. rarely cede ground. Lots to see and do. But she did not mention that she had her picture taken with male strippers that she would never told me if hadnt found them. This is actually a place where marriage counseling can be extremely useful. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. Yeah, Vegas can be a skeezy place but I havent found it to be any worse than LA, Nashville, Cincinnati, New York, Seattle, Boston, or any of the other cities Ive been to. Make sure that appointment is booked. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. It is in some Nevada counties, but not Clark County (which includes Vegas.) the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). his friends wouldnt let their wives go. my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual, my coworker's husband is texting me and blaming me for their divorce, https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html, my manager and coworker are secretly dating, boss will never give exceeds expectations because he has high standards, and more, update: I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired, stolen sandwiches, disgusting fridges, dish-washing drama: lets talk about office kitchen mayhem, interviewer scolded me for my outfit, job requires an oath of allegiance, and more, update: a DNA test revealed the CEO is my half brother and hes freaking out, my entry-level employee gave me a bunch of off-base criticism. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. Living with someone like this for the rest of your life sounds like a real misery. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. Speaking as someone whos wife spent 8 months of 10 days on site near Chicago, 4 days home over the last year after 8 years of her doing essentially no business travel, I know spouse separation anxiety far better than I care to both on my part, and my wife. It blows my mind that people see this as acceptable behaviour. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. If I wanted to put on pants and walk across the casino I would just eat at a casino floor restaurant instead of ordering deliverywhich Im sure explains their policy more than security concerns! If it were me I would be seriously considering leaving the relationship especially if there are not already kids. My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. Does hehave ahistory ofnot wanting toshare parts ofhis life with others? But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. Youd have to make an effort to get kidnapped, I think. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Excuse me? Theres some merit to this and the What happens in Vegas thing. Fun for a night or two a year, too much otherwise. Husband is not fair when it comes to my family (his inlaws). Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. Being in Vegas to me would be about eating at fancy restaurants, doing the neon lights tour, etc. Its hot and windy and dry and sand gets every where. HE is the one who needs counseling; going together would send the message that its an us issue. Im just going to drop in some ideas and some strategies that have worked for me. OP, only you can make the choice about whether this marriage is worth staying in. Did you see the memo that was going around from Travis Kalanik of Uber (shortly before he was forced out)? If the city is a well known destination to indulge in vices ( sex outside of a relationship for pay, drinking, drugs, gambling) than its fair to say that its not the most wholesome location. I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. People understand the environment and are very vigilant about what is going on. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation People are able to manipulate their therapists, and there are also just plain bad therapists: what if the OPs husband is in therapy already with, for example, a religious provider who reinforces his moralistic fears about Vegas? If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. Spend the whole day 10+ hours (for me) at the Bath House in Mandalay Bay. He does that three to four times a year. Yup. Irrational fears are just a normal part of life, especially in these days of social media and around-the-clock news coverage, but when they either start holding you back from doing things you want/need to do or start negatively affecting the people in your life, thats a sign youve stepped over the line of normal and should seek help finding that line again. This feels partly like a reputation versus reality thing, like New York City a decade or so back, when I kept telling people to stop worrying about crime when they were planning a visit to the safest large city in the country. There was a recent one with the same problem! You can find prostitution and gambling in lots of cities, large and small, if youre looking for temptation. Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. If you refuse to go, it is very likely to cause repercussions at work. People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. Just that it could be either one. Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. Contributors control their own work and . For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Also it can help having an objective outsider there. I meet family from California. I agree with your husband .. Omg that sounds so much like my mom. How To Travel Alone Without Ruining Your Marriage! When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. But no gambling! FWIW, I am a married woman and had to travel to Vegas many times for work, and had to drive to dozens of locations the entire time. :). So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. At night, the most fun people have is maybe a different ink at a nearby bar otherwise theyre too tired and ttying to get their shit together for the next day ir for tomorrows flight. Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. But its a pretty serious one-off. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. You can have a couple days where youre focused on other things! A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. We get to decide what level of irrationality we are willing to handle in a relationship and if its based in fear and being used to limit who you want to be, that just doesnt work. All of us can comment all we want about how innocuous this trip is, and how much of an overreaction this is, but it doesnt change the facts from where youre sitting. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. I dont think hed bring up that the majority of people he asked thought he was wrong. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. *offers you an internet hug*. Youre five minutes late? Yes. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. Even with the additional information. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. Thats kind of hilarious because my ex was super upset the first time I went to Utah (current spouses family lives there), because he thought Id let our daughter be kidnapped by polygamists. No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. So theyre officially still working there. Indifference. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. Its not really a fun place to go for work. You are right! Willing to bet that OPs husband, regardless of whats behind his behavior, is one of those. Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. I agree, the posting guidelines specifically ask that we not attempt to diagnose mental issues, it tends to devolve into discussions about theories of mental health and people sharing their mental health stories vs: helping the letter writers. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. I did business trips to the Middle East. It IS super pricey though!! Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. So I get the safety concern. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? Here is the problem with appeasing people like OPs husband, whether they are being abusive or just needlessly anxious: they come to expect appeasement. Abusers often (successfully!) It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. my husband doesn't want me to go on a business trip to Vegas Especially with comments like, I have anxiety and I would never act like this! Not everyones anxiety is the same. If you on a long car ride or your baby simply just doesn't like a car seat you obviously aren't going to stop every 5 or 10 min to take baby out and soothe him so you do it in the car as long as someone else is driving. However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. Plenty to do in Vegas besides gambling and shows! Im certain he is imagining some lawless back alley den of sin. My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me: 10 Reasons Why I just point out that theres more crime in her trailer park, and she gets huffy about it. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. You can make decisions for yourself! I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. Not everything is anxiety and depression, AAM commentariat. Sure within reason. Same here. Im so glad I made that choice. You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again. Im in the same boat as the OP. of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. What the hell? BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. In which case OP should divorce his sorry ass posthaste, because those guys are genuinely dangerous and also do not deserve companionship. Two birds one stone! I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) They figure the guys didnt want any young white foreigners getting caught up in some kind of scuffle but still Dont start trouble, you wont get trouble! Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. She has a job where you travel, and to him that probably sounds like shes achieving well (and she very well is) when *he is not,* comparatively. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. Anywhere in the USA or abroad.
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