Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. How about you?. Them no problem, I hope things are going well for you. Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?" Overworked and underpaid. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. See also: people who wont pick a restaurant, when the answer to every question is whatever you want.***. It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. So she says no. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. 7 Tricky Work Situations, and How to Respond to Them Id like to get you to take out the trash.), There *is* a certain amount of call on her time that I -do- feel entitled to (she lives in my home, not hers; shes a member of my family). If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. And Im sorry for that. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). For people I know, the answer is closer to what you say is the norm in Sweden anything from Having a truly awesome day to Need more coffee to counteract the baby waking up an hour before the alarm. For close friends, I can and have answered with details about what the brain weasels are up to today. Are you doing anything this Thursday night? whyyyy do you need to know? If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. Folding the dishes. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. FRIEND: I am available [date]! I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. What is your favourite clip? Why not set up a rent in dollars or set hours of work, and have done? I get the rude stealth favor askers too and it irritates. or are you busy?). Find an answer. Just how I like it :). What about you? Flip the question back on them. Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) Glad that this day is not that worse. Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? Reply with 'Hey' Back. Good to know! I cringe sometimes because a lot of the send awkwardness back to sender! advice overlaps with the kind of thing he does and yeah, it costs him. They also influence how OFTEN. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. 1. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. What are you doing this weekend? ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. What about you?. Can you do me a favor? Make up a lease and sign it. When exercising the advantages of a perceived difference in class or power, however, refraining from using or responding how are you? is an old patrician tactic designed to keep the interlocutor in her place. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. 9 Funny Tinder Messages That Work Like Magic (2023) - VIDA Select I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. If you have plans, just say so. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. Answer vaguely. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. The professor went to the restroom. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. Nothing? I have friends who grew up in Poland but have been UK citizens for decades at the tops of their highly-respected professions. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. One evening he bragged that he never outright asked anyone to do anything for him. But you, yours steals the show every time. "It's Friday baby!! And suddenly many things became clear. Its been pretty good policy.) And we do have fun and hang out occasionally. Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). I do have friends who have trouble planning things for various reasons and often say things like I miss you or We should hang out more without doing anything to make it happen. Something like this happens every single time. Ive realized its very important for us. It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). I also see are you free Saturday? or What are you doing tonight? as potential traps and in part its because in college the manager of the dining hall I worked at would call, start with What are you doing tonight? and then argue that whatever I said was less important than covering a shift for someone. If you dont want to go, just say so. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. How are you? Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. Jana: I'm good. Fine, thanks.. Oh, the usual, you? Your mother/father and I are going to X, would you like to come along?. I think youre right in general, although I dont find items 2 and 3 problematic at all. Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). Me: Fine, thanks. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. Can't complain. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. No one asks or cares, but its as vague as the original request and helps facilitate the DELAY! tactic the Captain talks about. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. Are you busy? (Seriously? As I explained, however, sometimes responding to a compliment requires a funny response. Them: What are you doing this weekend? I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. I like to respond with Doing nothing. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. I actually liked her kid, and if shed just said she needed a sitter instead of tricking me into it, I wouldnt have minded babysitting.I ended up filling that child with sugar and caffeinated soda (he had a grand time), and forever answering Im so busy, ugh to all future questions about my plans. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. The bigger words you use, the better. LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. I think feeling unsafe crosses the line where a relationship cant be repaired. What are you up to? Nobody listens anyway. If that's not a good enough answer for them, walk away, because there's nothing more you can say. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! I am admittedly very sensitive to potential power issues, so I have a hard time seeing when theyre really there and when Im just reacting as though they are. I also ignore We should hang out soon! It doesnt replace actually reaching out to me and trying to set up plans. It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. In my experience, soft invitations are never meant. Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. And if I run into but surely you dont need BOTH days to yourself? Im also prepared to retort with something like, Maybe you dont, but Im very excited for two days to decompress. "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. There are at least two distinct why do you ask? which are sadly distinguished only by tone. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. You? I know whats best for me. If they continue after that, theyre super pushy and rude and Ill say as much. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. Teaching my fish how to swim. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. I mountain bike every weekend! And I try to be easier on myself for not having the exciting weekends I think I should be having. Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. When I have no plans I tend to respond with some variant of Just chilling, and then if the person offers something that I want to do, I can decide its more fun than chilling, but if I dont want to do it, then its been a long week and I just really need that chill time, you know? I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. Photo: Funny Quotes. Him: Doing anything else? Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. If you want to invite them, INVITE. More and more, Ive been owning that I dont ever have to say yes. And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. You would think, right? No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. Re #1, true that. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! On the other hand, that was a while ago. I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. My mom recently moved from but why? to Ok, I guess you dont love me which is actually a sign things are going my way because its not a direct question. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). Are you planning something?. I say nothing much and the other person responds, yeah, its nice to be lazy sometimes, right? And I dont want to get into how no, its not lazy to need time to recuperate and our society puts too much pressure on needing to be constantly productive and not respect ourselves as people. Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. Thank you. It sounds to me like an attempt to take away my ability to say no. You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." Hed ask me what Im doing for the weekend and when i started to tell him a selection of my actual plans hed cut me off while I was talking to make fun of how boring or lame I am or some other stupid comment. If I had a tail, I would wag it! This is my first time commenting because so much of this rang true. After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Just make sure to follow these three rules for sending Tinder messages: Keep it PG-13, even on Tinder. I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. What are the usual scripts? . How about you? is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. Indeed. But the female-seeming among us get hit with that kind of weirdly-broken thinking by our families and others endlessly in American and other western cultures. Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. To contact our editors please use our contact form. Him: Good. 3. It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. "Great, thanks for asking" is a generic response that you can use when you receive a "how's your day going" message. While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. etc. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. I m trying to understand the other side, all those people who say they do this to make declining easier, but it just makes no sense to me. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. You may also eagerly seize on these options and/or provide some of your own., (2) Hey, Im looking for someone to cat-sit while Im out of town for the next three months. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Your kids are loud. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it. They see how often constantly males can throw a tantrum about how theyre being bitches, where the males only complaint is, I asked her questions, and she refused to answer! That alone is enough for him to feel justified in escalating the threats, anger, violence. Him: You must be doing something. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. This comment has clarified a thing for me. If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. IDK. Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Mostly they arent great at invitations. I know theyre just trying to be friendly but it gets exhausting that starting Wednesday I have to deal with so what are you up to this weekend and then AGAIN on Monday what did you do this weekend? (So I guess Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. This particular response though, is one of my favorite comments ever. "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. How am I right now? Thats the way to go. I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. 100 Funny and Witty Replies to Rude Comments - PairedLife When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Do I think X is a fair thing to insist upon? Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. That it can be based on something as intangible as a mood. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people). Ive learned a lot of strategies.). I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. Auto-Reply Email Sample for Customer Service: A Personalized Template
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